More and more people develop ways of relating that can become harmful
As drugs, love affairs are contraindicated. Some people embark, often unknowingly, with partners who will give them more headaches. Crushes are toxic, affective styles that are established with individuals with personality traits which generate much suffering and other psychological disorders.
"People with personality disorders also fall in love, marry and have children or lovers," says Walter Riso, psychologist Dating expert clinician. No one has a sign on the front indicating it and who gets entangled with them you risk unwittingly the consequences. There are many people with marked personality traits without getting to the end of the disease and are often fired in critical or stressful situations. "A paranoid personality is suspicious and believes that everyone is going to hurt. When you ask a potential partner in what works or how much he makes the script is shot and disappears distrust," says Riso.
Calvary loving Lola (he prefers not to identify), now 47, began in mid-adolescence. At 19 years, with the medical career in mind and proficiency in French, she was hired at a financial institution in Barcelona. A manager, a friend of his parents, also made a bridge. A choked her boyfriend is so successful and earnest, the martyred until the left. "It was a breather," said Lola. Still not sure that that office was a Venezuelan soap opera star in her own. After a time, that manager (say Peter) "I proposed to become his mistress." Lola thinks about it much, until a bad day, agrees.
"He was a conqueror and a possessive, he loved collecting antiques for him only to have them," says Lola. Even aware that he fell in love. Always seemed friendly, "but deep always wanted to win everything and passed over others to achieve it. "O gave an image of righteousness:" One day I carry off with an object of a shrine, "says Lola. Years later, Peter was separated from his wife and Lola became the official. Their relationship worsened. "I was kidnapped, I was a vacuum and even in household decisions passed into the background, because it only took into account the views of a friend who invaded our home. He also exercised power in the company to be surrounded by a cohort of women. My self-esteem fell, I knew what my role in the relationship, and when I complained about his behavior, I tried crazy, I became depressed and started taking pills. "Eventually, Lola broke and decided to end the relationship. But he quickly replaced getting involved with another employee. To avoid further pain, Lola decided to pay a high price: losing their economic security and achieved status in the company after 20 years. "my health was at stake."
psychologists believe that it is increasingly common to find in this type of problematic relationships, which in some cases can become very dangerous. " Why we were wrong both to choose a partner? Why resign ourselves to painful relationships and why we engage in these relationships and not we come out? Can we recognize them before getting involved? "The affective style is a specific kind of love depends on how you see yourself and others. In a large percentage of affective style is learned, but when the style is built for many years and is self perpetuating," says Walter Riso.
psychologist and psychotherapist for Fornós Montserrat, toxic relationships are built from relational conditions of interdependence and circularity, full of unconscious alliances where there is a mental and emotional state of expectation of a person over the other and vice versa and it gets to become indispensable while unbearable. Some people
seem to continually entangled in difficult relationships. Mei knows, 50 years. The first boyfriend at age 15, was very aggressive. "I was choked until I gave up, at 19, when I entered the working world," he says. After six months together, the father of her daughter began to hit, she managed to leave the drug, he does not. "It was lovely, but not at home. I think I caught his ability to abuse, because my parents were verbally abused," says Mei. Them out. The next couple was very quiet and pleasant: "I saw that I was the one who was right and I was the feeling of guilt." He says therapy helped him become aware of their situation and now is "Keeping watch", he adds. "Helping the individual to discover what these partnerships is the key step in psychotherapy to begin opening these circuits toxic and avoid feedback," says Montserrat Fornós.
Among the victims are also men love. Luis, an author of quarantine feet came out of "an attempt" now considered strange relationship. "I think she was a histrionic woman who also lived an eternal adolescence. Was to drive you crazy, but had driven to his ex because he said he was abusive, would not stop mourn for him, then said he was in love with another man not yet paid attention, she said, and I said yes and then hesitated. I was away, she rode a theater to come back. The glass was filled when the boy was in love which he sought to ground in front of his door, "regardless of my feelings."
"If being with someone implies destruction of me, then better to be alone, "says Walter Riso, forthcoming book highly dangerous Amores (Metro / Zenith), which includes 10 owned affective style is best not to fall in love because they can be highly detrimental and dangerous to emotional well-being. A relationship with a borderline personality disorder has the worst prognosis. These people do not know who they are or what they want, "Have a sense of infinite void and may occur in multiple ways," says Walter Riso. The chaotic border are people who love you the same thing as the next minute they hate you. Above, can be attractive and have an energy that can become a magnet for suckers.
Someone with paranoid features, however, suspicious of everything, including their partners, the histrionic to be the center and can not conceive, for example, that the other is you can have fun without it, the anti-social violent liabilities -aggressive need both a partner and feel free to authoritarian control, while the narcissistic, egocentric, which can be a winner in the world the company, often tells his partner: "How lucky you are to be with me!" and is shown with her indifferent and arrogant. According to the psychiatrist
Iris Moon, increase the indicators of narcissism in a postmodern culture because the struggle for power, prestige, position and social values, competitiveness, makes some people are acquiring the need for greatness, to seek always be the best. "A multinational will not seek a manager obsessive, slow decisions, and yes to a narcissist, which passes over the entire world," says Luna.
According to the anthropologist and writer Deborah Puig-Pey, has increased the gap between the ideal partner and reality. "Sentimental Education is based on a romantic model, contradictory to other modes of thinking about social life. The relationship is also a social relationship, it is still expected reciprocity, respect, time, free. However, these characteristics not expect the world of work or politics, the couple are isolated out of context, and mechanisms seem to inherit the contrary: they develop as relations of domination in private. " These links are produced toxic "because they are a mirror of what we have learned ourselves through our relationships," says Puig-Pey.
Despite the social changes have occurred in recent years, including marriages between same sex or the trend toward eroticized society, "there continues to be an ideal partner and the requirement of sexual fidelity linked to the loving fidelity is just as strong," said Gerardo Meil, a sociology professor at the Autonomous University of Madrid.
One of the problems in the world of love, is the anthropologist, is that ideal has caricatured the elective or the right to free choice of couples, increasing the market reasons, "The relationship is more toxic if the couple has formed by a matter of prestige (money, status, physical) because it is a relationship under highly variable items, supplies and uncontrollable. "
Elena Crespi, a psychologist at the Institute for the Study of Sexuality and the couple believes that" we live in a society where having jealousy means that your partner want, when quite the opposite, that there is insecurity. "The media shows perfect relationships that do not exist in real life. When a person has more or less clear what is expected of a relationship and knows what can offer is easier to find the right person, he says.
Source: http://www.elpais.com/articulo/sociedad/amor/malo/salud/elpepisoc/20080413elpepisoc_1/Tes/
